Inferior

When I was young, I felt deeply inferior, I studied very hard, because I wanted to show all people that I was more intelligent and more capable than  relevant people. This defect greatly harmed me and greatly harmed my life. I was not as intelligent and capable as I seemed to be, I just worked much harder than my peers.
I feared to admit that I felt inferior and I feared that my peers found me that I felt inferior. I thought that if I didn't seem to be more intelligent and capable than my peers, I would become nothing and no people would genuinely respect me, and I would have no meaning to live on this world, therefore I tried hard to seem to be intelligent and capable, and I failed it.

I feared that people looked down upon me, I feared that people thought I was incapable, I feared that people thought I was not intelligent, because I thought if people didn’t think I was intelligent or capable, they wouldn’t look up to me, if they didn’t look up to me, they would look down upon me, if they looked down upon me, I wouldn’t have dignity to live on this world, because I desperately wanted to live on this world and didn’t want to die, I desperately tried to make people think I was intelligent and capable so they wouldn’t look down upon me, so they would look up to me, so I could have “permit” to live on this world. It was like that people looked up to me was a permit for me to live in this world.