I feared to admit that I felt inferior and I feared that my peers found me that I felt inferior. I thought that if I didn't seem to be more intelligent and capable than my peers, I would become nothing and no people would genuinely respect me, and I would have no meaning to live on this world, therefore I tried hard to seem to be intelligent and capable, and I failed it.
I feared that people looked down upon me, I
feared that people thought I was incapable, I feared that people thought I was
not intelligent, because I thought if people didn’t think I was intelligent or
capable, they wouldn’t look up to me, if they didn’t look up to me, they would
look down upon me, if they looked down upon me, I wouldn’t have dignity to live
on this world, because I desperately wanted to live on this world and didn’t
want to die, I desperately tried to make people think I was intelligent and
capable so they wouldn’t look down upon me, so they would look up to me, so I
could have “permit” to live on this world. It was like that people looked up to
me was a permit for me to live in this world.